Style Invitational Week 1333: Check your (homo)phones Add to list In my list Invent a word that sounds like another word; plus the winning Shakespeare ‘tailgaters’ (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // May 23 (Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning Shakespeare “tailgaters”) *Amfibian: A frog who, after you kiss him, remains a frog. * /(Milo Sauer)/ *Boredello:* A brothel where everyone looks and acts exactly like your wife./(Dion Black)/ *Eyesickle: *The coldest of stares. /(Michelle Stupak) / This week we repeat a contest that the Empress ran in 2009 and her predecessor, the Czar, did in 2002: *Invent a homophone — a word that sounds the same as an existing word but is spelled differently — * and define it, as in the examples from Week 849. What is “the same”? Isn’t that “eye” in “eyesickle” a bit different from the “i” in “icicle? We rule (as that is what Empresses do) that it’s close enough. Eye-I-ai! Speaking of quibbles: In both previous contests we referred to these words as homonyms — which they are, at least according to the Webster’s New World and Merriam-Webster dictionaries. But “homonym” can also refer to a word that has totally different meanings with the same spelling, like pen (writing implement) and pen (pig holder). We don’t want those. So here you are, purists: “homophones” it is. The previous headline “Homonymphomania” is hereby retired. Submit entries at *wapo.st/enter-invite-1333 * (all lowercase). Winner gets the *Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, perfectly apropos of this contest, a T-shirt depicting a *“Dali Llama”* — a shaggy white llama with a big crazy Salvador Dali mustache. /Two / homophones! Donated at this month’s Loser brunch by Dave Prevar. *Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “Too-Weak Notice” or “Certificate of (de)Merit.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, June 3; *results published June 23 in print, June 20 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week’s results is by Chris Doyle; both Beverley Sharp and Jeff Contompasis submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. ***** * The Style *Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *A BARD HAR DAY: WINNING SHAKESPEARE TAILGATERS* In *Week 1329 *we asked for Shakespeare “tailgaters” — rhyming couplets in which you pair a line from the Bard with one of your own. 4th place: *“Methinks no face so gracious is as mine”* (Sonnet 62) *Is my least successful pickup line.* (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.) This week's second prize: a two-homophone T-shirt. 3rd place: *Assume a virtue, if you have it not: *(“Hamlet”) *“I am the smartest man this country’s got.”* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 2nd place and the Shakespearean Insult Gum : *That which hath made them drunk hath made me bold *(“Macbeth”) *Now watch this, if my beer thou wouldst but hold! *(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: *’Tis not the many oaths that makes the truth; *(“All’s Well That Ends Well”) *“Believe me” often signifies fake newth.* (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.) Avon culling: Honorable mentions *Be wise as thou art cruel; do not press* (Sonnet 140) *To ask if thou seem’st fat in thy new dress. *(Larry Neal, McLean, Va.) *Is not my sorrow deep, having no bottom?* (“Titus Andronicus”) *A surgeon botched my buttock lift last autumn.* (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *My bosom franchised and allegiance clear* (“Macbeth”) *One-thirty K will make me disappear. — S. Daniels *(Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.) *That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain* (“Hamlet”) *And still enthrall a base of several mill’n.* (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *What’s done cannot be undone. *(“Macbeth”) *Till 2021.* (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) *We’ll yoke together, like a double shadow*. (“Henry VI, Part 3”) *You watch Tucker Carlson; I’ll watch Maddow.* (Chris Doyle) *“A mess of Russians left us but of late.”* (“Love’s Labour’s Lost”) * (Don Jr. to his dad, Page 58) * (Frank Osen) *And, being intercepted in your sport,* (“Titus Andronicus”) *Is how the R**skins keep their season short*. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) *As cannons overcharged with double cracks* (“Macbeth”) *Is Boeing’s 737 Max.* (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa) *Come not between the dragon and his wrath: *(“King Lear”) *As “Game of Thrones” has shown, he’ll kick your ath.* (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) *Do you think the Nats will win two games this week? *(Clifford Fishman, Rockville, Md.) *Stones have been known to move, and trees to speak.* (“Macbeth”) *She’s knitted hats in corals, roses, pinks. *(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *The lady doth protest too much, methinks. *(“Hamlet”) *Get thee to a nunnery.* (“Hamlet”) *You’re having too much funnery. *(Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.) *I* **sigh *the lack of many a thing I sought:* (Sonnet 30) *My keys, phone, wallet, glasses, my last thought.* (Frank Osen) *Men at some times are masters of their fates *(“Julius Caesar”) *Unless they live in gerrymandered states.* (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) *No profit grows where is no pleasure ta’en,* (”The Taming of the Shrew”) *So all our dishes come with extra ba’on.* (Chris Doyle) AdChoices ADVERTISING *O poor Orlando, thou art overthrown! *(“As You Like It”) *Now China’s built the biggest theme park known. *(Frank Osen) *One that loved not wisely but too well: *(“Othello”) *The mother of the Duggars, I’m Michelle*. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) *Against the stormy gusts of winter’s day * (Sonnet 13) *Trump found no shelter in the NDA.* (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) *Out damned spot! Out I say. *(“Macbeth”) * You’re loaded with my DNA.* (Bob McKenty, Matawan, N.J., a First Offender) *“The wise man knows himself to be a fool” * (“As You Like It”) *Seems something not taught at the Wharton School. *(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) *This day is called the feast of Crispian *(“Henry V”) *Perchance we fit a game of Frisbee in. *(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) *Those parts of thee that the world’s eye doth view: *(Sonnet 69) *You see, commando cartwheels just won’t do. *(Kevin Dopart) *So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,* (Sonnet 18) *Thy drunken Facebook pics will follow thee. * (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown* (“Henry IV, Part 2”) *Especially when the Novocain wears down.* (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) *If we should fail? We fail! *(“Macbeth”) *Mom says we’ll still get into Yale. *(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *The time is out of joint. O cursed spite! *(“Hamlet”) *I dropped my Rolex in the loo last night. *(Duncan Stevens) *This Duncan hath borne his faculties so meek *(“Macbeth”) *And still gets contest ink most every week. *(Chris Doyle) *I have not slept one wink* (“Cymbeline”) *And shan’t till Empress grant me . . . zzzzzzzzz* (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) *Better a witty fool than a foolish wit, *(“Twelfth Night”) *But best to be both for the Style Invit. *(Heather Spence, Arlington) *Most noble empress, you have heard of me?* (“Antony and Cleopatra”) *I send stuff in, yet ne’er the crap I see. *(Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.) *There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. *(“Hamlet”) *So you think about how this has a perfect meter and an awesome rhyme, okay? *(Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, May 27: our limerick-acrostic contest. See wapo.st/invite1332 . * *DON’T MISS AN INVITE! * Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.